The Bat and The Walrus
by renrenx92
Summary: Can Charlie and Edward overcome their awkwardness and get intimate?


**The Bat and The Walrus**

– **A Very Serious Fan Fiction**

Charlie was home alone because finally his miserable bitch of a daughter, Bella, had left to go and shag one of her stinky wolf buddies. Suddenly he heard a strange tapping at his bedroom window, interrupting his mid afternoon wank session. He put his tiny dick back in his pants, went over to the window and looked out. There was a bat flying close to the window! It had an odd appearance, looking very overweight and slightly like a foot. It seemed to want to come in so Charlie opened the window whilst secretly hoping that the bat would share his appreciation for the musical comedy genius that is Jon Lajoie.

There was a strange noise as the bat suddenly turned into Edward Cullen, that obese nerdy boy that Charlie had wanted to kick in the face with his fist ever since he ditched Bella last summer. As the words SHOW ME YOUR GENITALS came over the speakers Edward began to breathe harder, as if aroused, "Oh my Charlie! I thought you hated me but now you play this song for me! Whoop, I'm so happy that I'm already naked. I think you're looking slightly overdressed there Chief... "

Charlie felt his genital area begin to tingle as he stared at this underage child feeling intense feeling of lust and desire. He began to rip his clothes off in a very sexual way, dancing along to the next, which just happened to be the song that he and Renee used to make sexy time to: THE MILKSHAKE SONG! Knowing the words by heart he mouthed them, in a slightly paedophilic fashion, to his new lover and at the same time played with his large but firm manboobs.

Meanwhile, to get a good view of the show, Edward had flopped onto Charlie's bed and said, "It's not my birthday, but I think you should kiss me, you sexy walrus man!"

Charlie was turned on in the extreme by this point so walked over to the bed in a seductive fashion, picking up his warrior paint thinking about all the nasty things that they could do with it. A particular fantasy came into Charlie's head with Edward sprawled over the bed covered in the paint looking like a pretty gruesome crime scene.

The sexually frustrated older man was panting and moaning as he began to drip the cold red paint onto the boy's well muscled body. They then grabbed each other and started making out passionately whilst getting covered in the sticky paint. Charlie laughed inside as he imagined Bella trying to wash the stains out of the sheets and, as if he was a mind reader, Edward chuckled at a similar thought.

As they rolled around rubbing all over each other Charlie felt like he was about to explode, he had completely forgotten this feeling as he had not had anybody around his genital region for a long long time, then he felt a warmth spread. He embarrassingly realised that he cummed too soon! Thinking that Edward would be disgusted, he reached over to the nightstand to try and grab his gun fancying a game of Russian roulette to cheer himself up. Edward let out a girly high pitched scream, "No Charlie! Don't leave me! You're the only person that has wanted this body! The only one who has wanted to have sex with this whale!"

Charlie thought about what Edward had just said and, whilst dreaming about painting him grey to look more like a whale, he threw himself down to Edward's crotch area and began to kiss all around leaving wet patches as he went. Spurred on by the young man's moans Charlie began to tickle the big dick in front of him with his whiskers - Edward laughed. Then Charlie licked it like a lollipop and a few seconds later Edward had cummed all over his chest and face and down his throat.

However the two men were still horny and decided that they wanted to try a bit of anal. They couldn't decide who was to be the 'giver' and who was going to be the 'receiver' so they played rock, paper, scissors with the winner getting to make the choice. In the end Charlie won and realised that after watching so many of the criminals in Forks Prison drop the soap he wanted to have Edward put his wiener in the bun.

After finding an ancient bottle of lube in a drawer, Edward began to push his weenie into Charlie's tight ass. Luckily Edward only had a little winkle so it only took a few seconds to get it in. Charlie began to bounce up and down on the boy, who now felt like a cross between a water bed and a bouncy castle as his fat kept moving around. Both of the males were now moaning as they came close to another climax.

Finally as they were about to cum again, Bella burst into the room! She began to scream at the strange sight in front of her – the men carried on, as if they were now acting for the audience. Then Jacob entered the room as well after hearing Bella's screams, "Stupid girl! What are you interrupting my private reflection time for now? God damn you!", then he heard the bed squeak behind him and turned around, "Ewwwwwwwwwwwww! What the hell guys?"

Edward and Charlie carried on with their sex moves and finally, as Jacob tried to pull them apart, they cummed again and it went all over Jacob's face! Jacob wailed, as if he had been hit by a rock, and would not calm down even when Edward and Charlie licked his face clean.

In the mean time Bella had called Jacob's father, The Cripple, so he could come and pick them up. Stupidly she forgot that he couldn't drive and so ran out of the house, into the road and got hit by a bus.

Jacob fared slightly better and only ran into the forest and was just at his front door before he was attacked and killed by a pack of wolves.

Charlie and Edward continued to live together for a few years, having plenty of awkward anal, before they both died from obesity related illnesses.


End file.
